Is it possible to be married and to be free at the same time?
(Osho – The Rebellious Spirit, chapter 8, question at 37:40 in mp3 file)
It is difficult, but not impossible.
Just a little understanding is needed.
Few basic truths have to be recognized.
1. Nobody is born for another.
2. Nobody is here to fulfill your ideals of how s/he should be.
3. You are master of your own love, and you can give as much as you want.
But you cannot demand love from the other person, because no one is a slave.
If these simple facts are understood, then it doesn’t matter whether if you are married or not married.
You can be together, allowing space to each other.
Never interfering into each other’s individuality.
In fact, marriage is an out of date institution.
In the first place, to live in any institution is not good.
Institution is destructive.
Marriage has destroyed almost all possibilities of happiness of millions of people.
And for useless things.
In the first place, marriage, the very ritual of marriage, is bogus.
I used to work in an university, and one of my colleagues, a professor of psychology, was continuously tortured by his wife.
It was difficult to find a couple which has not torture.
And strangely enough, wife tortures the man.
It has long history behind it,
because man has reduced woman into a slave.
And she’s taking every opportunity to take revenge.
It’s all unconscious.
His wife was really a monster, she used to beat the poor fellow.
One day, he came to me, and he said:
– You are the only person whom i can say, and trust that you will not say to anybody else. My wife beats me.
– But this is not a secret
In some way or another, every wife beats the husband.
It may not be physical, but to beat psychologically is more dangerous and more harmful.
But the woman cannot be held responsible for it.
For centuries she has been tortured, killed, beaten, buried alive.
All that has accumulated in her unconscious.
And the nearest man is the husband.
So any excuse, and she starts creating trouble.
And husbands don’t want the neighbors to know.
And the wifes know the weakness.
So screaming is one of their methods, screaming, shouting, so the whole neighborhood knows.
So the husband has to compromise immediately.
Because it’s a question of his respectability.
– Professor, you don’t be worried, they all come to me and say the same thing
He said: But i want to get out of this prison, I lived enough. It is a 24h torture
I said: There is no problem in it
– No problem? But I’m married to her
+ Marriage is just a children’s game. How did you god married?
– A priest was chanting mantras, the fire was burning. The fire is taught to be the divine, the presence of the divine, so in front of fire, if you take an oath, then you cannot go against it. And I have taken seven rounds, and the priest tight my clothes with my wife’s, and we took the oath, and he chanted, and we moved seven times around the fire
+ Clockwise or …?
– It is always clockwise
+ Then there is no problem. Bring your wife, i’m the priest, because whatever the priest was chanting you did not understand…
– No, I didn’t…
+ It’s ok, it’s perfectly ok. I will chant something you will not know. Neither I will know. And you can move seven times anti-clockwise around the fire, and then I will cut the knot that has been tight by the priest, so the marriage is finished.
– My God, but who is going to bring my wife here? You suggest a very simple solution. You don’t know my wife.
+ I know her. Because she came to me before you.
She also wants to get rid of this continuous quarreling.
She is not living a joyous life.
Either you can both be joyful, or you both can be miserable.
It’s not possible that one remains joyful, and the other remains miserable.
So I will convince her, she is almost ready, you just go and tell her that i’ve sent you.
So get into your marriage clothes
– Marriage clothes?
+ Yes. The whole ritual has to be done in a reverse order
The man never came back.
I had to go to his house.
Many times i will knock, and he will say: forgive me that i told you, but when i came home i got such a beating, that i forgot all the beatings that have happened before. In this life, there is no way out. And now I understand why hindus have invented future lives.
+ But do you know hindu wives have a particular day every year, they fast and prey to God in the temple, that they should get the same husband in the next life
– That’s true, but I never thought about it. So how to avoid it?
+ Simply fast on the same day, go to the temple, and prey silently, so your wife cannot hear.
And you pray: „One life is enough, my wife was great, give her to somebody else now”
– That’s good. That I can do.
You are asking „is it possible to be married and to be free?”
If you take marriage non seriously, then you can be free.
If you take it seriously, then freedom is impossible.
Take marriage just as a game.
It is a game.
Have a little sense of humor.
That it is a role you are playing on the stage of life.
It is not something that belongs to existence, or has any reality.
It is a fiction.
But people are so stupid, they even start taking fiction to be reality.
I’ve seen people reading fiction, with tears in their eyes.
Because in that fiction things are going so tragic.
It is a very good strategy in movie theaters, when they put the lights off.
So everybody can enjoy the movie, laugh, cry, be sad, be happy.
If there was light, it would have been a little difficult: „what others will think?”
And they know perfectly well that the screen is empty, that there’s nobody there.
That it’s just a projected picture.
But they forget it completely, and the same has happened with our lives.
Many things which are simply to be taken humorously, we take so seriously, and from that seriousness begins our problem.
In the first place, why you should get married?
You love someone, live with someone.
It is part of your basic rights.
You can live with someone.
You can love someone.
Marriage is not something that happens in heaven.
It happens here, through the crafty priests.
But if you want to join the game with the society, and don’t want to stand alone and aloof, you make it clear to your wife or to your husband that:
This marriage is just a game, never take it seriously.
I will remain as independent as i was before marriage,
and you will remain as independent as you were before marriage.
Neither i am going to interfere into your life, not you are going to interfere into my life.
We will live as two friends together.
Sharing our joys. Sharing our freedoms.
But not becoming a burden on each other.
And any moment we feel that the spring has passed,
the honeymoon is over,
we will be sincere enough not to go on pretending,
but to say to each other that we loved much,
and we will remain grateful to each other forever,
and the days of love will haunt us in our memories, in our dreams, as golden,
but the spring is over,
and our paths have come to a point where
although it is sad,
we have to depart
because, now, living together, is not a sign of love.
If i love you, i will leave you the moment i see my love has become a misery to you,
if you love me, you will leave me the moment you see that your love is creating an imprisonment for me.
Love is the highest value in life.
Love should not be reduced into stupid rituals.
And love and freedom go together.
You cannot choose one and leave the other.
A man who knows freedom is full of love.
And a man who knows love, is always willing to give freedom.
If you cannot give freedom to the person you love, who you can give freedom to?
Giving freedom is nothing but trusting.
Freedom is an expression of love.
So whether you are married or not married, remember all marriages are fake, just social conveniences.
their purpose is to help you to grow with each other.
But growth needs freedom;
and in the past, all the cultures have forgotten that without freedom, love dies.
You see a bird on the wing in the sun, in the sky, and it looks so beautiful.
Attracted by its beauty, you can catch the bird and put it in a golden cage.
Do you think it is the same bird?
Superficially, yes, it is the same bird who was flying in the sky;
but deep down it is not the same bird – because where is its sky, where is its freedom?
This golden cage may be valuable to you; it is not valuable to the bird.
For the bird, to be free in the sky is the only valuable thing in life.
And the same is true about human beings.